SAYING THANKS: tips for writing thank-yous

Every engagement, shower and wedding gift deserves a prompt thank-you note. Here's how to keep the process manageable.

Engagement gifts, shower gifts, wedding gifts - you’ll probably never receive more presents at any one time during your life than you will around your wedding. Unfortunately, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the task of writing so many thank-you notes. Don’t sweat it: the whole process of reflecting again on your treasures can rekindle all your best engagement and wedding memories. With the right system, you can have your obligations polished off in no time. And, your notes will sound more heartfelt and enthusiastic if you write them right away.

Thank-you notes should be written promptly within two weeks if you receive a gift before the wedding within a month after your honeymoon if it’s delivered the day of the wedding, and within a month of delivery if the gift arrives after the wedding. If you're falling behind, remember, a late thank-you note is still better than no note at all. Besides the fact that it’s good manners to respond promptly, it’s also practical to prevent work from piling up.

Keep a record of all the gifts you receive in a notebook, your computer, or on index cards. It will help tremendously when you send your thank-you notes. Record the givers name, the store where the gift was purchased (if you know), the date it was received, a brief description of the gift, and finally, the date the thank-you note was sent. You can refer to this listing as you write (since proper etiquette dictates that you describe the gift in your note), and use it to keep track of which gifts you’ve acknowledged.

When writing thank-you notes for engagement or shower gifts, decorative note cards may be used. Wedding thank-yous are traditionally written on more formal white or ivory stationery. Keep in mind that you should use your maiden name on any pre-wedding thank-yous. Paper that displays your married name is generally reserved for after the wedding.

While thank-you notes are traditionally written by the bride, it is perfectly appropriate (not to mention practical) for your groom to write some after the wedding as well. Perhaps each of you can write thanks for presents received from your respective friends. Shower gifts, though, are generally for the bride, so it is you who should do the responding. Gifts from a co-ed shower obviously are an exception to this rule.

Be sure to make each note warm and personal. Remember, the giver spent valuable time and money searching for the perfect item for you, so preprinted note cards are an absolute “no-no” — a handwritten, personalized thank you is a must. In addition, neatness counts — don’t cross out words or leave messy ink blots. And don’t use a pencil or colored pen. Blue or black ink are appropriate choices.

Though you don't have to write an essay to each person, they should mention the gift by name, and if possible, refer to how you will use it: " Thank you very much for the china place setting! John and I will think of the two of you every time we use it. We hope you’ll be our dinner guests sometime soon." If the same person gets you a gift for multiple events — say, a shower gift and a wedding gift — you must write a separate note for each gift.

When writing about a monetary gift, you needn’t state the amount, but do mention what you plan to do with it: " Thank you both for your generous wedding gift. John and I are saving for a house, and you have helped bring us closer to that goal." And remember, even if the amount isn’t comparable to some of the other checks you received, it’s probably generous to them, so always thank everyone for their generosity equally. 

Don’t like a gift? You still need to offer gracious thanks, and never mention that you plan to return it. Likewise, there’s no need to trouble the giver of a damaged gift -- make your own arrangements with the store to replace a damaged gift.

Lastly, don’t push trying to write all of your thank-yous in one evening. Instead, make a goal to write about five or six a night. With the right game plan, the task of writing a personal note to 150 guests can go from daunting to do-able in no time.